Crossing The Line

When are you crossing the line? When have you become foolish to continue on instead of motivated and on the way to being successful? I wish I knew, because I’d need that knowledge right now. All year I’ve had to fight to prove my worth and capability of being at my university. All year I’ve heard from my mentor say it’s better to quit, give up and try something easier. All year I’ve told him specifically, No I will not quit because quitting when things get hard will never get you anywhere in life I’m going to continue fighting no matter how hard it gets. I did this and for my idea succeeded, in one go I passed all my third quarter finals and felt on top of the world. I had beaten my best, done what they said I couldn’t, caught up on all my missing credits.

And bam I fell on my face. Fourth quarter exams creeped up on me and before I knew it I was failing everything and once again hearing the words ‘you should stop, take some time off, it’ll be easier’. To hell with easier, I never wanted things to be easy I just needed them to be worthwhile. Especially since nothing worthwhile ever came easy. But this beat me, this time I couldn’t fight back, all I could do was nod and ask them why they thought this time around I should quit. I couldn’t muster the energy, motivation, or strength to fight back anymore. All year I had worked so hard to prove them wrong and be better than they anticipated me to be. I had worked so hard for these particular exams and in my eyes and those of my friends they had gone great and yet there I was. Again hearing from the same people what I had heard with every exam they gave me ‘you didn’t pass, you should quit’.

When am I crossing the line? Am I foolish to have continued and pushed through the ‘haters’ or am I persistent and strong to keep going despite vendettas and difficult results. I was completely beat, I hadn’t questioned myself so intensely and harshly in a long time, and to my regret my mind relapsed in old patterns. How is it that one happening and two people, repeated over an entire year can have such an impact on you. When am I crossing the line to not give up, and how much longer can I continue in this before I can’t take it anymore. I’ve got amazing people behind me that all tell me I can do it, I know that I was placed here for a reason and that is not to fail, I’ve only got two people against me and all year I was determined to prove them wrong. Prove that I was worthy, intelligent, and good enough to be here. I still know that I am the excuse of ‘I’m not good enough’ that they gave won’t stick because I know better than that.

The hardest decision in life is deciding to walk away or try harder. That’s a decision I can no longer make because I purely do not know. I don’t know how to get what they said out of my head anymore, and at the same time I can’t give up on the growth and strength journey I’ve come so far in. I’m still here. That is enough to keep me going.

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