Dang I thought I had to do everything perfectly. I couldn’t get delayed in my studies I needed that to be perfect. Follow the plan precisely, graduate after exactly 4 years and then continue on to my masters. Now thats all thrown out the window because of a semester delay. Im stressing majorly because this isn’t how it’s supposed to go. It doesn’t fit my picture perfect plan.
Dutch college works a little bit different than you may be used to what college would look like. Year one is a theory year, year two is a theory year + half a year internship during school, year three is completely internship, then year four is a semester of minors and second semester is your thesis. I’m in my third year now and I was busy with my internship until I realised, this isn’t what I want to do. It’s just not the work that fits me and I can see myself doing the rest of my life. There’s nothing wrong with coming to that conclusion, except that I can’t finish this year if I don’t continue this internship. This means throwing my entire four year plan out the window, making a new one, and adding a semester so I don’t get to graduate with my friends when I was planning to.
I’m happy I got experience and figured out what I don’t want to do with my life, but at first it stressed me like crazy that I would have a semester delay. I considered just staying at this internship purely so I could graduate on time and with my friends, but the only one that would be losing out is me. This is my year to gain as much experience and if I’m not doing that I may as well have thrown away my degree.
I thought because I had to fight so hard to do this study, it was a complete utter disappointment if I wouldn’t finish it in four years. It started with migrating to the Netherlands and having to do school in Dutch after speaking English all my life. I had a professor who failed me on every test he gave me and told me there was mentally something wrong with me I should quit school and go work at a bakery. During my first year a good friend of mine passed away, I nearly had to drop out because I was low on my credits I should have achieved. Luckily the exam board understood my situation well on why I didn’t get everything completed and gave me a year to catch up. I aced all those exams and was right on track. I figured I had conquered so much, and from here it would just be one straight lane to graduation.
I never expected having this detour, and after telling myself all this time I had to prove myself, that I had so much to fight for and so much to lose if I didn’t do it in this picture perfect way. People it screwed with my learning and just wasn’t worth it. Yes I worked hella hard to get to where I am today, had extra setbacks people my age usually don’t have but it’s not failure having a semester delay. It’s not failure if things don’t go right the first time around. They’re all just stepping stones getting you to the other side. A good friend told me recently when I was freaking out about this, that you always get to where you need to get. It doesn’t matter if you take road A or B, if it takes 4 years or 10, eventually you get to where you need to be. Everything along the way you pick up and you grow, become stronger, and gain experience.
I don’t need my picture perfect plan, I’m sad not to graduate with my best friends but I’m doing what’s right for me. My motivation isn’t to prove some dumbasses wrong anymore, it’s just accomplishing what I need to in life and believe God is calling me to. So what am I doing the next few months?
- Im taking the next 6 weeks off, figuring out what I wanna do, spending way way more time investing in this blog and my other side hustles.
- In February I’m starting a minor at a different school regarding creative therapy.
- Investing time in myself and my music, taking time to actually grow instead of being stagnant.
It’s my time, it’s my year (very cliche I know) and I’m gonna grab it.