How are we supposed to love others, if we can’t even love ourselves? I heard something along those lines in church and felt personally criticised. Of course I can love others, I love them so incredibly much, but myself? no that seems to be something I’ve never truly been able to do. I’ve been content with who I was, what I looked like, but loving myself had never been part of that. It seemed so easy to love others, I could give away every ounce of me loving others and I would do it in a heartbeat, but taking just a part of that for myself just didn’t quite seem plausible.
I haven’t been here in a while, and I’m sorry for that. Honestly a lot of things have happened and I lost inspiration to write. Eventually my thoughts went to ‘oh it’s Wednesday again, I didn’t write.’ I kind of stopped caring all in all. I didn’t feel like I could process my thoughts anymore by blogging because it felt they were too far gone. I didn’t want to dig them up, it was too far away and too painful at times to think about. Then recently my thoughts became too much and it felt the only thing I could do was write. It became my outlet again as it has been for so long.
The service in church inspired me despite being confrontational. It helped me to realise why it’s sometimes crooked how I love people because I need to learn that self love first too. Just as trusting others begins with trusting yourself. In the last weeks I’ve had ups and downs and in the downs I couldn’t trust myself anymore. I couldn’t tell if it was my anxiety speaking to me or my well thought out thoughts. I learned what my trigger is and how I react. It helped me so much to understand where these difficult thoughts were coming from and what I could do. I learned the moment I become silent, I am not okay and as quickly as possible I need to identify what is wrong.
I don’t have a solution for volatile thoughts and emotions. I’m still in the middle of trying to figure it out and deal with it because quite frankly I’m sick of not being able to trust myself. But writing helps, praying helps, just trying to give everything I’m thinking and feeling over to God. There isn’t much more to do I think, wait it out and see if your emotions level out. I would love to be able to trust my decisions again but if this is to learn to trust God first before myself then I’m okay with that and will try to do so.
Surrounding myself with people who also believe and speak life has been so good. I’ve felt the energy and the power around faith that has been inspiring me to keep growing and turn my focus back on God. As I’ve been working on that I noticed bit by bit it started becoming real for me again. It didn’t feel as something that others could believe but for me it just wasn’t relevant. I started seeing God in the little things again and the realisation coming that he really is around me.
I think that it’s okay to not always know how to love yourself, not always know how to trust yourself, and not always be able to sense whether God is near you or not. Everyone goes through times in their life when their faith feels far away and they themselves feel unreliable.